“With grief” because “through grief” implies you come out the other side or “get over it”. Scientists agree that the experience of loss and grief are the same for several things including loss of job, home, child or spouse. I am of course a widow and will be speaking to that but you can generalize the same concepts to other situations. It’s been one year now as of February 10th, since my husband passed. I don’t claim to be an expert just someone who lives with grief every day. I try not to let it define me but it remains constantly part of me. It hardly seems believable but thriving not just surviving I have found in simple things like sitting at a red light. It tells you when to stop and when to go and this is part of the journey knowing what to stop doing and knowing when to jump in with both feet into something new. Ironically the red-light I am referencing had a Pine St. sign hanging from it. It made me think “What am I pining over?”. It’s not just my husband. There are three things that have helped me the most.
- Stop romanticizing:
We tend to remember the perfect person. We put them on a pedestal. No one has ever been as good as them in the history of the world or ever will be. We use it against ourselves like a sword and bring that thought to the forefront of our minds if we have a moment forgetting that we are grieving like falling on the sword or a kick in the gut just as a reminder. Part of acceptance and healing is realizing that they were human with all their faults. Even though, I know you loved them despite of or because of the faults. They did the best they could and you are doing the best you can now.
- Stop the guilt of somethings are better:
This is so tough when you find a new opportunity or something great you can do now that you could not do before. You are not supposed to be happy about something or even worse think if this had not happened you would not be in a better place. What kind of terrible person thinks this way? One that is healing and coping remarkably well. Stop kicking yourself.
- Go towards the things that make you the most uncomfortable:
This is how you grow and turns your becoming into something great. Studies have shown that the key to happiness is helping others, but it’s okay to help yourself as well. Do something you never thought you would. Set new goals. If it’s scary, do it anyway.
Make yourself give up the bad stuff and for every one thing you give up, add two new great things. Establish new goals because this helps to drive you toward your future and redefine you beyond widow or grieving person. I am sharing what has been working for me during an ongoing difficult time. Feel free to share what has worked for you in the comments.